Gratitude and Fear

So, funny thing just happened. I was feeling a little 'mindful' - as in overly in my head, that is - so I decided to go in and write in one of the gratitude threads.

I wrote three things, abstract and general that I am grateful for (form, time and all the love shaped by it).

But then also wanted to touch on the feelings I had, behind my busy mind:

"Also, I am grateful for nerves I feel right now about new opportunities, and for the advice I received yesterday (today?) to remember to practice not knowing the outcome...

(It's just like me to study every text I can find on, in this case contantious animal diseases, to figure out the statistical probability that this might be dangerious to me or my family.... Letting go. It's not on the red-alert list. Letting go. Haha; "I will dissolve the bacteria with my light!" No, I wont, that was a joke. I will maintain proper hygien protocols, and leave it at that, is what I'll do.)"

And then it dawned on me, I was not grateful at all, I was fearful. Textbook example fearful: fearful the owner of the animals is not taking his responsibility seriously enough when it comes to testing and treating. Fearful the requirements for handling animals with no symptoms, but potetial infection is simply not safe enough. Possible, due to pressures from the food industry - read animal industry. Fearful I am getting myself into a dangerous situation, that can damage me or my children in the future. What if we become carriers - and then when we get an infection we can't be treated because we are carriers.

This is real fear. Fear to be misinformed, fear to misjudge the long-term consequences, fear that I am to avoidant of confrontation that I just let it slide, that I fail the test. Fear that I am fearful only because I resist the change and the new opportunities.

Fearful that I will avoid the danger - and miss out.
Fearful that I will dive into danger, naively - and not care for us properly.

So here's the thing: What I know is that I am fearful.
And that I am at the brink of a fairly big situational change.

I also know that those to are connected. I can find anything to get fearful about when I am about to chose some path that will alter things.

But the details of my fear cant be ignored. I mean I seriously cant expose my children to multiresistant bacteria, that would be reckless. I've sent a question to the government veterinarian, about requirements for animals who are potential carriers, but not in infection - because there was no information on that.

And I will allow my brain to digest that the fairly comprehensive hygiene requirements during infection might have to apply at all times, so that I can make a sound choice later, on whether I believe that is realistic for me to maintain.

That is what I can do about the actual question. Good. Done.

Now for the source of the fear; making a choice, taking a step, branching off, going throug one door and thus leaving others behind, staying in uncertainty if this will take me the right place, not knowing if I've read the signs right, did I miss something, will this end well.... And so on, and so on, and so on.

Fear. Control.

Fear of rushing in; being so excited I miss the obvious problems. Like travel distance. And that they cannot employ for real. (They might later, but that would require some major change).

I even think that the excitement scares me; I am really happy about this opportunity. I can see how this could lead so many places, that I could learn so much, that I would get to do something I love - even be around animals, which I hadn't even put on my list, because the opportunities are so rare...

I have this chance. It is mine. Do I really have to hide in fear because of it?

Of course not :) I can be happy. I can. Watch me 

(Spreading angel wings now, ready for take off.) Ah! See, that's the thing - I don't feel secured to the ground...! I get this pit in my stomach, I believe I can drift off into space somehow. Have I done so before? Is it a 'body' memory, it sure feels like it. And it's connected to happiness and empowerment.

Ok, so instead of spreading my wings just now, I will just rejoice as a human, take on my huge heavy boots at walk a bit with my dog, happy. Wings I can use on so many other days, no need to over do it.

I can work on the 'float away fear' some other time, one fear at a time!
Love and Light - and Life! /Mi

(Originally posted on Spirituralforums)


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